The Lost Temptations of Christ

The Devil wore a digital watch.


This is a little known fact.


Jesus was in the wilderness

for 40 days and didn't know

what day or time it was.


Then the Devil showed up

and said: "It's the Sabbath."


And Jesus said: "How do you know?"


Then the Devil showed him his

digital watch and said:

"See you should be in temple."

But Jesus said: "The Sabbath

was made for man, not man

for the Sabbath."


And generations of football fans

yet unborn and un-named gave

thanks for this teaching.


However, the Devil would not

give up that easily.

He whipped out his iPhone.


"Look at this! It's a combination

telephone, digital time keeper,

personal calendar, and you can

check out your favorite Websites,

and send email, update your

Facebook and Twitter."


But Jesus said: "I don't Twitter.

I don't email. I don't have

a Facebook page and I keep my

personal calendar in my head."


At this point the Devil saw

a potential sale slipping away, so

he produced a 3D flat screen TV.

"Look you can watch all your favorite

shows in three dimensions."


But Jesus said: "I don't have any

favorite shows and I already see

the whole world in three dimensions."


In desperation the Devil took Jesus

to a big box electronics store,

which was a wholly-owned subsidiary

of Hinges of Hell Enterprises, Inc.


There were rows of personal computers,

and all manner of hi def televisions,

and tons of portable mobile accessories.

Everything sparkled like new wine.


"All this plus iPhones yet to be

invented can be yours if you will

just follow me," the Devil said.


"You can't fool me," Jesus said.

"All this will turn to rust and dust,

except for the plastic parts that

will pollute landfills for millions

and millions of years."


"Oh, come now," the Devil replied.

"Surely you could use an iPod

to play you some tunes during those

lonely nights in the desert. It's

a great little device. It brings you

full surround sound stereo through

these little ear buds. Try it out.

You can hear all the instruments."


But Jesus looked around the store

and said: "These are instruments

of the Devil. These are the Devil's

own devices of distraction."


Then Jesus walked out of the store,

passing the counter where he might

have applied for easy credit with no

payments until January 2013.


And the Devil stood there screaming:

"Socialist! Luddite! Environmental

extremist! Anti-American! Killjoy!

I hope I'm not leaving anything out!"


Jesus just kept on walking, and never looked back.